come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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