i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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