Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
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