God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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