DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
