Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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