if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Welp...herpes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
