btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
