Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
