i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
