Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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