I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
