If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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