So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
