We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
