She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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