Your dad touched me again.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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