my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
