hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
