But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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