Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
