Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
