Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
