i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
