mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
