i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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