dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
