I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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