im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
