Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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