just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
