Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize