You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
