How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
