I can text with my tongue
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
