He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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