You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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