im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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