I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
