I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
