she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
