You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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