just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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