I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
