Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize