Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
