I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
