I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
