I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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