By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
