You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize