i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
