There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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