I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
