Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
