No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
