I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize