the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize