Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
