the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
