then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
