Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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