There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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